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(paint your perfect day)

i found him [01 May 2011|03:46pm]
i found him. after all these years. and i don't know what to do or say.

only a handful of people know about him. about this. about what happened.

i was 7. i'm still not sure who was at fault. but i was 7.

i've got to believe that i wasn't that strong.

he knew what he was doing. if not at first then at some point.

do i say something? do i let it go?

it sickens me that he knows my name.

what he asked about me.

to my brother. the first person i told.

the one person that told me to do the right thing.

he made me tell my mom.

and she did nothing.

(paint your perfect day)

financial woes [21 Jan 2011|10:07pm]
i haven't had this little money in my bank in a long time

probably since i was 18

this is not good

looking back, spending $800 to go to hawaii and loaning chris another $850 wasn't the financially smart thing to do

but it was the right thing to do

i just hope i can recover

i'm currently working on my batman bathroom and fixing up the house.

it's stressful doing so with all the construction going on

but when it's over it's going to be lovely here

jon and beth moved in yesterday so....full house :) less stress there

bills however, ugh

hopefully things will look up soon.

i'm glad i have someone to lean on

i really love my boyfriend

he's pretty wonderful <3

(paint your perfect day)

lots of changes [04 Jul 2010|02:27pm]
haven't updated in forever!

chris and i are dating. officially it's been a little over a month. though he denies this and counts march as the start. but we needed a date and didn't get an official one til may 10th so that's it lol.

things have been really good with him. he's so supportive and sweet to me. i can talk to him about anything and i've shared dark terrible secrets that few or no one else knows. he's not running. he's staying. it's comforting and amazing.

he's also moving in this week. i've never had anything this serious before. nor have i lived with anyone like this before. it's new. it's kinda scary but seems perfectly natural at the same time. i'm really enjoying this. being with him always brings a smile to my face. i'm just sorry i didn't jump aboard this ship sooner. but i guess i needed to suffer a little bit so i could know how good i have it now.

in other less gushy news

i'm sick again. might be bronchitis. not sure yet. gonna go to the doctors tomorrow. i need to go anyway. haven't had a real physical/check up since i was 17. it's scary but it needs to be done. hopefully it won't cost a fortune. i'm trying to save up so i can take chris and run away to Hawaii to see kelly and the kids in october. money is such a bitch. oh well. it'll all work out.

mom had a seizure and ended up in the hospital. thought she had meningitis. turns out she has pancreatus or however you spell it. she has to have surgery to remove her gallbladder once the infection goes away. i haven't talked to her. i don't really want to. i'm conflicted on the matter. i'll leave it at that.

brothers girlfriend said that cj also has autism. talked to kim about it. full diagnosis isn't available until he's 5. i'm not sure if he really is. people tend to be kind of hypochondriacs in my family . so i dunno. shaine and john got mrsa from shitty tattoos. mike has some sort of palsy from drinking too much. i think arlene threw him out. basically on the health front everyone is not doing so hot. i'm hoping that will change.

i need to get off my sick ass and do something somewhat productive today so i'm gonna end this now.

(paint your perfect day)

10<333 [28 Mar 2010|07:52pm]
and need to update on A LOT

feeling much better.

hoping it will last.

not expecting it to.

more later, i hope.

(paint your perfect day)

the greatest lovers were murderers first [22 Mar 2010|04:23pm]
so much to say
internet is cutting out every few mins

emotional overload and yet completely numb and drained at the same time

keep busy
stop thinking

i try so hard

not sure how long i can avoid a confrontation

i don't know why everyone thinks being aware and accepting certain facts is so bad
i'm not so negative

i know me
i know what i am
what i deserve
what i'm capable of

i'm terrible
i'm a mess
i don't deserve anyone
i'm not capable of giving anyone what they want

i need to go back into seclusion
it's the only way

right now it's a waiting game
ready to give up the reigns
not sure what else i could do
i don't think i have the ability to change
they'll never fully understand
she prodded enough to make me want to runrunrunrunrunrunandhide
i thought i was a little better than that
some things i just don't want to talk about

i know i'll never be happy
pretending is fun
but it's only pretending
it doesn't last

and goddamn if i didn't have the worst nights sleep in a long time

please don't show your face again

i hurt enough without you

(paint your perfect day)

spilling ink and spill your guts again [28 Feb 2010|05:17pm]
so much to say

i'm so fucking conflicted i want to punch something.

i really wish i were anyone else sometimes.

(paint your perfect day)

just posted this to tumblr [15 Feb 2010|05:44am]
one day i'll figure out how to get everything to post here too. i hate feeling like i'm neglecting this place. i've had it so long and i plan on keeping it.


confusion at every turn.

i feel as if i’m hurting so many people by only trying not to hurt myself.

i hate to think that the only way to be safe is to shut everyone out.

i don’t want to feel the way i feel but, i do.

all i can do is work on it.

i can’t worry about everyone and everything else all the time.

i blame myself for things that aren’t even remotely my fault or have anything to do with me.

right now happiness isn’t attainable. so i’m settling for simply trying to be a good person.

i wish i could remember every piece of advice. i swear i forget most of what she says when i walk out the door.

been finding it good to talk to old friends. fresh perspectives and helping hands make life feel a little easier to deal with.

all i asked for was honesty. all i got was lies.

being on the opposite end so much i should know exactly what to say but, i don’t.

i can’t be what anyone wants me to be.

all i can be is me.

right now i am fucked up. riding an emotional rollercoaster. easily intimidated and discouraged. anxiety ridden. weak, weary and fearful. unable to commit, love, or let go. unforgiving and not so forgetful. constantly stressed and still so very very angry.

this is not what i want to be.

(paint your perfect day)

ha [11 Feb 2010|06:36pm]
the subject line was going to be very similar to the previous.

and it wasn't one word or a sad face

interesting...i guess

anyway. i'm sick again. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?!

i have a lot to write.

i have no energy.

and anger fuels too much of my life.
i don't know how to change that.

(paint your perfect day)

oh hey there backslide [07 Feb 2010|01:38am]
how are YOU doing?


i was doing so well.

i blame genetics.

(paint your perfect day)

do do do [20 Jan 2010|03:30am]
sarah is here! :)

things have been better

just wish they would last

i know it's just because she's here and everything is exciting and fun and gogogogogogo

i'm worried about what's gonna happen when she's gone

although i don't think it'll get that bad again

the worst may be over

but there's always next time. that's actually the scariest part.

therapy is going well.

got one of my w2s. waiting on 2 more.

made more than 10,000 (on record) for the first time ever.

shall be interesting.

i hope i get money back. i could certainly use it!
and a visit to thomas ought to be good. he'll be proud of the toni's thing.

time for bed. long day of work tomorrow. last day to get the cds done. the wall is almost entirely visable. it's amazing. i feel proud and accomplished. and mostly it's gonna feel great to tell don to suckkk itttt.


(paint your perfect day)

you make me completely miserable [11 Jan 2010|04:42pm]
i hatehatehatehate winter.

it's been so fucking cold. in the 40s all week....INSIDE THE HOUSE! redic. supposedly the heating/cooling guy is coming today to fix or replace the broken unit. not sure. it better get done though. i'm so tired of this. can't even watch a movie cause i can only have a certain number of things turned on at the same time.

today i planned on catching up on some sleep, doing all my laundry, cleaning my bedroom and the bathroom and some grooming would be good too. i feel quite disgusting these days. i wish there was a permanent fix for everything i hate about myself. if i was comfortable or even happy with my body the only thing i'd have to worry about is my non winning personality!

speaking of which, first therapy session tomorrow. different lady. hopefully it'll go well. been meaning to check out an alanon meeting. was gonna go thursday but couldn't get the list cause there was no power. want to try tonight but it's dennis' birthday so i don't think laura will go to one. i'm hoping she can take me on thursday or something. i need to finish that book too.

got called to come into work twice today. it was lame. brandy needs me to fill out some tax shit cause she can't find mine from last year. i don't remember if i put 1 or 0 so that's pretty bad i think. hope it's not though. jon also wanted me to work for him and he'd work for me tomorrow or wednesday. i would normally but i've got sooo much shit to do.

i really hate when i put everything off until my only day off. i've had no choice though. i slept at mike's a couple times this week cause it was too cold here. thomas sent me a space heater the other day and i apparently tripped the breaker with it. i know nothing about that sort of thing. shit better get fixeddddd. i had to unplug my mini fridge. that's pretty lame.

a friend is coming to town tomorrow and she might stay with me so it'd be nice if it was clean and warm! i'm excited. i haven't been excited about anything in a long time.

i wish i didn't have to wait so long for therapy. everyone thinks i'm better now. i'm not. i'm ok. but that's all i'll ever be. not good. not great. why can't i? i stop the salt from going in the wounds and just bury everything. but it'll come back. it always does. and it's always worse.

i feel like i'll never amount to anything. i'm so tired of people telling me no one will love me if i don't love myself. no one will believe in me if i don't believe in myself. etc. excuse me, have you fucking looked at me? it's so frustrating.

what do you like about yourself? ummmmmm. there's really nothing. i like my left thumb and my fingernails on my ring fingers. that's it. that's all i like about myself. i hate most everything from head to toe. ew feet.

how can someone break through this when they hate everything about themselves? oh wait, i can go to meetings and blame my parents. WHAT IS THAT GOING TO CHANGE? nothing.

well i guess it's good i have a little harbored anger for tomorrow. maybe they'll realize something is wrong with me. cause this shit just aint right.

also, fuck you. don't tell me i'm over something. you don't know. don't act like you do.

been productive at work lately. bustin out cds. a million more to do but i'm focused. guess it's good to have any sort of goal.

god, i feel so shitty. he was right about some things though. it's never gonna get easier. there's always something. that and, we're going to die alone. only i try to make everyone else happy. he destroyed everything he touched. or maybe it was just me.

i'm tired of being so weak.

(paint your perfect day)

:( [04 Jan 2010|04:19am]
its 46 degrees INSIDE my house

i want to die :(

(1 don't mind this | paint your perfect day)

2 zero 1 zero [02 Jan 2010|03:03am]
lets hope for something better

haven't talked to him since that message. blocked him. her. her. all of them on every site. the hurt is there and i'm not sure that it'll ever go away. but i know it'll never change. he'd never change. i can't keep hurting in the same way. i didn't want to start a new year with that.

thoughts of other guys who have shown interest are flattering but have to be overlooked. at this point i need to avoid any situation like that for a long time. i have the self esteem and worth of a thumbtack. however it would be nice to have anyone else last on my lips. too bad i can't even get close to people. if i wasn't so fucked up i might be able to work something out. but as always, for how long? it's so pointless to try. i'm so over feeling used. this whole section of my life, done or not, is simply ridiculous.

went to therapy on wednesday. didn't go the way i was hoping. totally started off on the wrong foot. it was only my intake appointment. i guess to see what the plan is for me. they want to send my ass off to group therapy but i'm pretty opposed. anyway. i got there a few minutes before 1. i checked in and the girl behind the counter told me she'd tell whomever i was there. 15 mins....20....35...40 minutes later some lady is in the waiting room and i hear "we'll i had an appointment with her at 1.." and i just peeked my head around and looked at them and then they realized. she totally tried to blame me for being so behind after that. we had to go and pee in a cup again. i went before i left the house so i had not much to offer but what i did have was not good enough. yes indeed, i have cold pee. wtf?

so my urine is not good enough. she asked if i could try again later. i said okayyyy? on our way to her office it was all "well, we're starting abut 45 minutes too late" "did you get here late?" stfu lady. i told her that i got here a few mins early. i dunno if she believed me but whatever.

she does some stuff on the comp for a few mins before actually talking to me. then she asks me things from the screen and briefly sums up my responses and types them in. halfway through this she turns to me and asks me if i've ever been to an al anon meeting. i told her no but a friend recommended it and i was gonna check it out. more questions. she tells me a little of her story. i can relate so i take back some of my dislike for her. more questions. then pushing the meetings pushing the meetings. group therapy. group therapy. nothing else is gonna help me cause nothing is wrong with me. it's because of my parents. i'm grieving from the neglect and abandonment. al anon meetings are the only way i'm going to feel better. oh you didn't want to see the doctor did you? i told her i've always been against taking drugs but it's gotten to the point where i don't know what else to do anymore. MEETINGS! cause talking to people about my problems is gonna help. THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING FOR HOW LONG?! "so don't talk, just listen" yeahhh did that too.

so it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. she could tell i was upset by it. i'm tired of people telling me that there's nothing wrong with me. there's something wrong with me if i feel the way that i do all the time. normal people don't want to die all the time. normal people don't hate themselves this much. and then blame your parents. oh i do. i blame them for a lot. but i can't blame them for everything. for always. that's not gonna get me anywhere. i'll go to some meetings but that's not gonna be my only therapy. if i wanted to talk to a group of people i wouldn't have tried getting myself help in the first place. this whole situation is annoying. i had a feeling this would happen. if i'm not at my worst then all is well. i guess i am that good at pretending?

so that's put me in kind of a bad mood. i went and picked up my mail and went home to crawl back into bed with some cracktica. finished 4.0 that day. needz more.

went back to work yesterday. worked til close. cause i'm nice....had nothing better to do..and need the money bad. part of me regrets taking the time off. but i know i needed it and i won't get any more for a long time.
i wish therapy would fix me quick. i need to find another better paying job. to do that i'd need to be able to better control my emotions. be a likable person. be friendly. smile. be able to take chances. this is gonna take forever :-/

i don't really know what else to write about. it's fucking freezing in here. 54 degrees is the highest it's gotten to. my scalp is dry and itchy as fuck. i need to shower but i'd rather die cause it's so fucking cold. john doesn't seem to care. i've had my rent check ready for days. the temperature is making me want to hang onto it longer. grr. a rat gnawed the shit out of flynn and he had to get his tail amputated. boys are pretty upset about that.

hung out with billy and thomas tonight. billy came over after work. john was working with wires so we just made muffins and bagels. he's headed back to florida. family's moving to philly so there's no telling when i'll see him again. sucks. wish i got to spend more time with him. life is lame sometimes. thomas came over later to watch stardust. he got it for me for christmas. he said it's one of his favorite movies and he hopes it makes me feel better. he's a sweetheart. we're all supposed to see avatar tomorrow i think. i kind of don't want to but i want to hang out with him while he's here. i think he's leaving sunday. everyone's leaving so i'm getting sad. but i believe sarah is coming so i should be getting very excited. i need to check on that. i've been so depressed that i've kind of forgotten about it.

new years was chill but good. glad i didn't let him ruin 4 holidays in a row. 3 was enough. good friends. good times. can't ask for more except maybe to see this picture chris took of me. hmm..

(paint your perfect day)

the end [30 Dec 2009|12:03am]
ZakuroJames Bond
5:38 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

i dont have

1 Read: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
5:41 PM
To: Zakuro


that didn't make any sense. frustrated i sent another.

4:50 PM
To: Zakuro

you've ruined so many things for me. hurt me in so many ways. made me cry on endless occasions. my dreams have been shattered. my relationships have been strained. my work has suffered. my heart has been broken. my hope is nearly gone. the little bit that's left is all i have to try and turn this around.
you know, ignoring your problems doesn't make them go away. it brings me no pleasure to have to beg you to answer me, trust me. it's no picnic contacting someone you want to hate more than anything.
you may not understand, nor does anyone else understand why but i have to have the answers. i couldn't live with myself if i ever let someone else hurt me the way you did. i'll never be able to trust anyone until i know what was true and what wasn't.
i should have listened to you when you told me you were a bad person. that's all i know to be true at this moment.
we all have the power to change. please just answer me. do the right thing for once. answer the questions.

James Bond
5:40 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

then i was a bad person like a told you and everything was a lie. hopefully that will make things a little easier.
there, satisfied?

Online Now!
5:44 PM
To: Zakuro

stop trying to take the easy way out.
why did you lie to me?
why did you use me?
why did you cheat on me?
why did you tell me you loved me when you didn't?
what did i do to deserve any of this?
what did i do wrong?

6:01 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

the easy way out ould be just blocking you and ignoring you

Online Now!
6:10 PM
To: Zakuro

please james just answer the questions. you know the answers. i need to know.

6:15 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

didnt lie.
didnt use you.
because we werent even official when that happened and me and alex have a history and deep feelings for each other.
I dont know, mixed feelings i got confused.
thats a bs emo question that im not answering cause there isnt one.
you wouldnt stay out of my personal fucking bussiness and give me my space.
are we done now, is that good enough?

so he owned up to cheating on me. though he worded it retardedly. i sent this:

6:22 PM
To: Zakuro

when did it happen? was it only with alex?

he hasn't read that. i doubt he'd ever respond. point is i know he cheated. he's a douchebag. so i sent this.

1 Unread: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
12/29/2009 9:02 PM
To: Zakuro

you lied about so much it makes me sick to my stomach. i don't think you can even tell the truth from the lies anymore.
you used me until you knew you couldn't anymore. just like everyone said you kept me hanging on as a fall back because you knew i'd be there.
all you ever had to say was that there was someone else you wanted to be with. instead you choose to lie and go behind my back and be with other people. officially broken up or not we still had something going on for a while afterward. that doesn't make it any less wrong on your account. doesn't make you any less of a scumbag. now i have to waste my time and money going to the fucking doctors to make sure you didn't give me any fucking diseases.
thank you for finally admitting that you never loved me. i appreciate the one ounce of truth you can muster up. maybe now if anyone ever says it again i'll know they're lying through their teeth, if they're crying like a little bitch.
if i didn't do anything to deserve this then i guess you really are just satan. heh.
i'm sorry that i wouldn't stay out of your "personal fucking business" and give you your space. let me tell you a little something about that.
you told me that your mother may have cancer again. i'm fucking sorry that i wanted to be there for you and help you through this. you told me that your friends don't even ask how you're doing and you'd probably end up drinking yourself to death. sorry that i'm a compassionate and understanding person who doesn't want to see someone she cares about go through that alone. sorry i'm not cool enough to hand you a bottle and not care about how your day was.
then again, that whole thing was probably just another one of your lies and, the most pathetic one i might add. truth or lie, it doesn't really matter, using that scenario whether it be to get pity or as an excuse for your behavior is disgusting. i bet she'd be ashamed of you if she knew.
i gave you plenty of space. you live in another town and don't even have a fucking phone. you need communication in order to be a part of someone's space. with that said, you told me that i was special and important to you. you told me that i was the first person you called everyday. you told me that you had all the same feelings for me. you told me you'd tell me when things changed and you didn't. you just ignored me and i guess just hoped that i'd disappear. don't worry; you've finally gotten your wish.
why is it that when i told you i'd wait for you, i wasn't interested in anyone else and you didn't have to worry about me fooling around with anyone, it was okay with you? then you told me basically the same thing. you told me i didn't have to worry because you wouldn't fool around with other girls, you weren't even interested in other girls and if you did become interested, you'd tell me. why? because you're a fucking liar. it's okay for you to go off and fuck whomever you have "deep feelings for" but i can sit home and hold on until there's nothing left to hold on to? god, you're an asshole.
when someone's life is falling apart those who try to help pick up the pieces aren't in the wrong. your answers to my questions are bullshit and as false as most have anticipated. but they'll have to do. i know what i needed to know. i'll never again make excuses for you. i will never forgive you.
i really do hope that you grow up and stop hurting people. the lengths that you would go to just to hurt someone for your own benefit are repulsive. i wish i never met you. i'm ashamed that i was ever with you. and i'm so very glad i never loved you.
you don't have to worry about anymore messages from me. i'm done. you can deny that facebook request. i'd do it myself but i can't and believe me, i've tried. i do not want to be your friend or even associated with you in any way. i want absolutely nothing to do with you ever again.

so now i don't even care if he responds. i hope he reads it and realizes what an asshole he's been but i doubt he'll ever change. he's a good looking douchebag who is out to get what he wants no matter who he hurts. he can claim all the pain in the world and use it as an excuse but it won't work on me anymore. i'm done.

(2 don't mind this | paint your perfect day)

ugh [29 Dec 2009|04:15pm]
1 Read: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
12/27/2009 12:41 AM
To: Zakuro

for the record i've been trying to get straight answers from you for months now. if you were honest from the beginning i wouldn't even be typing this right now.
when this shit first happened you said it "hit you that you were in a serious relationship" and it "was weighing too heavy on your heart" as if i'm supposed to know what the fuck that means.
every time i would try to get a real straight answer from you you'd sugar coat everything and just continue to lead me on. "i can't handle a relationship now, maybe later" "i'm in love with you" "i still have the same feelings for you" all while still fooling around with me. WHY?
"it has nothing to do with her" "i have to fix things with my old friends before i can even focus on my personal life" wtf kind of excuses is that? how is anyone supposed to know what that means?
when i told you i'd wait for you before it was fine but then you soon realized you now had so many other/better options. all you had to say is that you found someone better. that's it. HONESTY IS AMAZING!
so i guess by ignoring me you felt that i should just read your fucking mind and know that it was really 'never' instead of 'maybe'? you knew i'd wait. you knew i'd make excuses for you. you kept me hanging on until YOU moved on and you didn't even have the decency to say "justine i don't want to be with YOU" that's all you had to fucking say.
i told you just to admit that you never loved me and that you used me and you wouldn't. you just ignored me. i don't know what i did to deserve any of this because you won't ever tell me.
you can pretend all you want. we both know how everything happened.
i'm sorry that i fucking cared for you so much that i was willing to wait forever. you just used me and ignored me and made me feel the lowest i've ever felt. you told me you were brutally honest. YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR. you lied about everything. perhaps your new years resolution should be to stop lying to everyone, especially yourself.

no response to that one.

the other one went back and forth.

ZakuroJames Bond
12/27/2009 1:33 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

ok im a giant fucking piece of shit that doesnt care about anyone but themself.
simplified enough for you?

1 Replied: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
12/27/2009 5:00 PM
To: Zakuro

just answer the fucking questions for the love of god. it's not hard. you will never hear from me again. just please fucking do it.

ZakuroJames Bond
12/28/2009 6:13 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

answering your questions that have obvious answers arent gonna change or solve anything.
im sorry.
i was a douchebag obviously
so live your life and stop worrying about stupid shit like this.

justin… Online Now!
12/28/2009 6:31 PM
To: Zakuro

that's what you think but you don't even care, so how would you know?
if i know the truth then i never have to make these mistakes again. i'll be able to spot the tell tale signs of deception to come. i'll no longer make excuses for your behavior. i won't ever have to think of you and i can move on with no remorse and no more regrets.
to be cheated on, used and lied to and then justify it because i so badly wanted to believe that you were a decent but troubled person underneath it all...do you even know how damaging that all is?
why is it so hard for you to own up to anything? you know the truth, just say it. you don't care about me at all so why not just say it? it's like you really enjoy hurting people. :-/
please, no more sarcasm. all i want is the truth. answer the questions.

while i was responding he sent this and it almost sounded sincere.

ZakuroJames Bond Online Now!
12/28/2009 6:20 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

i didnt lie about everything
i realized i didnt want to be in a relationship
youre too insecure is your biggest fault
now what else do you want answered?

justin… Online Now!
12/28/2009 6:36 PM
To: Zakuro

if you didn't want to be in a relationship then why did you act like we were still in one after we broke up?
why did you tell me you loved me when you didn't?
why did you just ignore me when i was trying to be there for you?
why did you cheat on me?
what didn't you lie about?
what did i do wrong?
what did i do to deserve this?

no response to that one so i sent another

justin… Online Now!
25 Min ago
To: Zakuro

please just do it, james. i don't want to go into the new year with this on my mind. i want to be done with it all.
i know i'm insecure as fuck. i can own up to it and i can work on it. i can also remember a time when i wasn't so. but you ruined that. you ruined me.
please just let this all be over. answer the questions. i've asked them time and time again. i've bolded them. i've cut down their numbers. please just do it. i don't want to have this pain anymore. i want to rid my life of you.
please. don't you just want this to be over? i swear to god i will never contact you again. i won't ever look at you again. i will try my damnedest to never think of you. please just tell me the truth. answer the questions.

ZakuroJames Bond Online Now!
4:02 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

then let it be over for fucks sake i already answered the fucking questions

1 Unread: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!

justin… Online Now!
6 Min agoTo: Zakuro

jesus fucking christ. no you didn't.
if you didn't want to be in a relationship then why did you act like we were still in one after we broke up?
why did you tell me you loved me when you didn't?
why did you just ignore me when i was trying to be there for you?
why did you cheat on me?
what didn't you lie about?
what did i do wrong?
what did i do to deserve this?
there. i copied and pasted them again. just fucking answer them.

god i want to punch him in the face so hard.

(paint your perfect day)

but will you still love me tomorrow? [27 Dec 2009|02:46am]
i caved in.

eating cheese and crackers. had a bite of a brownie.

food is fucking delicious.

when i die it won't be because of you, asshole.

i'm so beyond pissed off.

i tried so hard. how can people be such douchebags?

i tried to keep a friendship possible. he's burned so many bridges. burn them all james. see where that gets you.

you're a fucking user and a liar. grow the fuck up.

ugh. i hate him. it's official.

(paint your perfect day)

wtf [26 Dec 2009|11:42pm]
James Bond
10:59 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

i dont know waht you want from me
im not over ayla
i tried to be friends with you but you wouldnt let the relationship shit go
im not hopping around from girl to girl
how dare you bring up alex she has nothing to do with this and i regret leaving her
youre messaging my friends and its kind of creepy
i told you how things were
i dont know what else to tell you, i told you everything i could and it wouldnt get through to you so i stopped talking to you and even that hasnt seemed to have worked


my responce

i don't know how many times i can possibly say this - all i want is for you to answer my questions with the truth.
you didn't try to be friends with me. you tried to be friends with benefits while leading me on and making me think things would eventually work out. i don't go around fooling around with and telling my friends that i'm in love with them. maybe that's how you do things but that's not how it's supposed to be.
i only brought her up to prove the point that you're continuing to hurt people because you won't get your shit together. and you also cheated on me with her. so yea.
i messaged your friend mike twice. once when you had your meltdown on facebook and once cause i heard you weren't really working and may have been kicked out. i just wanted to make sure you were okay. i'm sorry that i fucking cared.
after all of this i still just want to believe you are just a troubled person and don't know how to treat people. you could go on and just be an asshole and pretend like you don't care about anything and let it eat you up on the inside, or you could be a decent person and do the right thing.
it's funny how you completely avoid the simple truth that could end this all. all i want is answers. i want to be done with you. i don't ever want to think of you again. please just answer the fucking questions. it's not hard. i even bolded them for you.

seriously. i love how he claims he was so up front about things. what a fucking liar. i want to punch him in the face.

(paint your perfect day)

christmas breakdown [26 Dec 2009|08:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

1 Read: Zakuro

12/24/2009 3:58 AM
To: Zakuro

i hope you're doing well and have a good christmas.

no response to that

1 Unread: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
1:37 AM
To: Zakuro

I know you’re probably just going to delete this like all the other messages but I really hope you don’t. I know I’m the last person you want to hear from, especially on Christmas. I just really need to get this out. If I get this out and you finally answer me honestly then you won’t have to hear from me anymore. There won’t be any need. I don’t want to bother you anymore than you want to even think about me.

I told you time and time again what I wanted but that never seemed to matter to you. When it comes down to it you’re going to do what you want and I know you don’t care about me anymore. It’s not about what I want anymore, it’s what I need. I’m barely hanging on these days. My will to live is almost nonexistent. Every morning that I wake up it feels like a mistake. Every breath I take is filled with regret. I want to die every single day and that’s no way to live. I’m taking steps so I can stop feeling this way but I really don’t know what I can do. I know there’s a lot wrong with me and that I’ll probably be seeking help for a long time.

All I need from you is answers. All I want is to be over you. I just want to be healed. Everything I’ve tried thus far hasn’t worked. Just like you’re never going to be over Ayla until you see her, I’m not going to be over you until I have the honest truth. I knew you needed time alone and so did you, but instead you’re bouncing around from girl to girl. You may be able to go off and find girls to fuck and try to replace her but I’m not like that. I couldn’t go and find someone to try and replace you even if I wanted to. Eventually I’ll find something to fill the many voids in my life but I couldn’t go off and hurt another person like you did to me. No one is going to replace Ayla. Not me, not Alex, not whatever girl you’re trying to fuck now. All you’re going to do is continue hurting people. Is that what you really want? Do you honestly think that’s going to make you happy? Do you even know the difference between love and lust?

If you cared about me at all or if any part of you is the decent person I’m hoping you are then you will just be honest. All I want is truthful answers. I don’t care if it hurts. Nothing in the world can make me hurt more than I do right now. I can continue to hate myself and make excuses for why you did what you did, but for how long? How much longer can I take this? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I have much time. My will to go on is so weak.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re on top of the world and then have your dreams crumble. That’s what happened with you. I felt so amazing. Everything was falling into place and I was finally ready to take the steps toward the future. And then my reality came crumbling down, and like always, I’m left alone to pick up the pieces.

I wanted so badly to be with you and I was willing to wait forever if that’s what it took. I don’t know why you didn’t have the decency to tell me that you were no longer interested or at what point you lost it. You shut me out and left me to assume the worst. I may be crazy but at least I’m trying to fix it. I’m not sure what’s wrong with you because I can’t tell the lies from the truth. If being a master manipulator is what you want to be, go for it. You’re very good at it. I tried so hard to make excuses for you and how you behave. Maybe not everything was a lie. I don’t know. To lie about all the tragedy in your life to get sympathy from a girl is beyond terrible. Now I’ve never told a soul about that and I never will. If that really happened then I’m sorry, that is terrible and you will always have my sympathy. No one should ever have to go through that. But if you did make all that up you are more fucked up than either of us could have imagined.

Is there anything you were honest about? I know you didn’t love me but why did you say it? What did you want from me? What did I do wrong? Where did it go wrong? Why did you cheat on me? I know you did and if you honestly deny that then I want to know when and why you decided anyone else would do over me. We both know you’re beautiful and could have anyone. But looks fade. Scars remain, forever. I will never be rid of these scars but I want to be over you. I don’t want to think about you every day, dream about you every night, or to be reminded of you and your lies all the time. It hurts so much more than I can put into words.

You can hate me all you want. You can look at me as nothing more than a pathetic mistake who hasn’t let you go. But I want to let you go. I want to just be over and forget about you. I can’t do that until I know the truth. I need to know: what’s so wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t anyone ever care about what they do to me? Why can’t I hold onto anyone? Why am I never good enough for anyone? Why did you lie to me? Why did you use me? Were you honest about anything at all?

I don’t know how you can go on knowing that someone is hurting so bad and you alone have the power to make it stop. If this situation were reversed I would do everything in my power to ease your pain. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I need these answers more than you will ever know. I don’t care how much it hurts. I need the truth. I’ll never be healed and move on if I don’t know what I need to fix. Do you want me to continue suffering like this? I know you don’t care about me but if you ever did or at least care about anyone we know, you will do this. You don’t even have to see me in person. All you have to do is type up the truth. I’m pleading with you. I want this pain to go away. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live life wanting it to end every minute of the day. I can’t continue to lock myself in my room and try to starve myself to death because I have absolutely nothing to live for. I’m begging you, please, please just tell me the truth. Answer my questions honestly and you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll leave you to live your life however you want. I’ll never show up at your work or talk to your friends again. I will be completely out of your life, the way you want. Just please, please tell me the truth. Answer the questions and it will all be over.

he hasn't read it. hasn't logged on in a few days. i really hope this time he answers truthfully.

i just want to be done with this.

i want to start the new year without all this pain.

i haven't eaten anything since wednesday night. sometimes i want to...most of the time i just want to die.

merry christmas. heh.

(paint your perfect day)

oh look [24 Dec 2009|08:27pm]
another picture of them.

i wish he would just say it
just be honest about everything
i could handle that

i can't handle this
i blame myself for everything
i hate everything about myself

i'm too fucking stupid and pathetic to take it for what it is

i meant nothing to him
he used me and lied to me
i meant nothing to him

why can't i just accept that and move on?

why am i always crying about this?

why do i feel like i'm never going to be healed from this?

why doesn't he care?

i don't remember the last time i wanted to die as much as right now

why am i so undeserving of answers?

even if they aren't what i want to hear
i just need to know

at this rate i'll never know what i did wrong
what i continue to do wrong
all the fucking time

every time i look in the mirror i can see why he doesn't want me
why he left
why they always leave
why i'm never worth it
not even a fucking answer

every breath i take is a mistake.

(paint your perfect day)

. [24 Dec 2009|07:11pm]
i hope no one else in the world feels as miserable, lonely, pathetic, sad, heart broken, depressed, unwanted, rejected, ugly, disgusting, angry, repulsive, and shitty as i do right now.

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