jizzle (gness) wrote,

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christmas breakdown

1 Read: Zakuro

12/24/2009 3:58 AM
To: Zakuro

i hope you're doing well and have a good christmas.

no response to that

1 Unread: Zakuro
justin… Online Now!
1:37 AM
To: Zakuro

I know you’re probably just going to delete this like all the other messages but I really hope you don’t. I know I’m the last person you want to hear from, especially on Christmas. I just really need to get this out. If I get this out and you finally answer me honestly then you won’t have to hear from me anymore. There won’t be any need. I don’t want to bother you anymore than you want to even think about me.

I told you time and time again what I wanted but that never seemed to matter to you. When it comes down to it you’re going to do what you want and I know you don’t care about me anymore. It’s not about what I want anymore, it’s what I need. I’m barely hanging on these days. My will to live is almost nonexistent. Every morning that I wake up it feels like a mistake. Every breath I take is filled with regret. I want to die every single day and that’s no way to live. I’m taking steps so I can stop feeling this way but I really don’t know what I can do. I know there’s a lot wrong with me and that I’ll probably be seeking help for a long time.

All I need from you is answers. All I want is to be over you. I just want to be healed. Everything I’ve tried thus far hasn’t worked. Just like you’re never going to be over Ayla until you see her, I’m not going to be over you until I have the honest truth. I knew you needed time alone and so did you, but instead you’re bouncing around from girl to girl. You may be able to go off and find girls to fuck and try to replace her but I’m not like that. I couldn’t go and find someone to try and replace you even if I wanted to. Eventually I’ll find something to fill the many voids in my life but I couldn’t go off and hurt another person like you did to me. No one is going to replace Ayla. Not me, not Alex, not whatever girl you’re trying to fuck now. All you’re going to do is continue hurting people. Is that what you really want? Do you honestly think that’s going to make you happy? Do you even know the difference between love and lust?

If you cared about me at all or if any part of you is the decent person I’m hoping you are then you will just be honest. All I want is truthful answers. I don’t care if it hurts. Nothing in the world can make me hurt more than I do right now. I can continue to hate myself and make excuses for why you did what you did, but for how long? How much longer can I take this? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like I have much time. My will to go on is so weak.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’re on top of the world and then have your dreams crumble. That’s what happened with you. I felt so amazing. Everything was falling into place and I was finally ready to take the steps toward the future. And then my reality came crumbling down, and like always, I’m left alone to pick up the pieces.

I wanted so badly to be with you and I was willing to wait forever if that’s what it took. I don’t know why you didn’t have the decency to tell me that you were no longer interested or at what point you lost it. You shut me out and left me to assume the worst. I may be crazy but at least I’m trying to fix it. I’m not sure what’s wrong with you because I can’t tell the lies from the truth. If being a master manipulator is what you want to be, go for it. You’re very good at it. I tried so hard to make excuses for you and how you behave. Maybe not everything was a lie. I don’t know. To lie about all the tragedy in your life to get sympathy from a girl is beyond terrible. Now I’ve never told a soul about that and I never will. If that really happened then I’m sorry, that is terrible and you will always have my sympathy. No one should ever have to go through that. But if you did make all that up you are more fucked up than either of us could have imagined.

Is there anything you were honest about? I know you didn’t love me but why did you say it? What did you want from me? What did I do wrong? Where did it go wrong? Why did you cheat on me? I know you did and if you honestly deny that then I want to know when and why you decided anyone else would do over me. We both know you’re beautiful and could have anyone. But looks fade. Scars remain, forever. I will never be rid of these scars but I want to be over you. I don’t want to think about you every day, dream about you every night, or to be reminded of you and your lies all the time. It hurts so much more than I can put into words.

You can hate me all you want. You can look at me as nothing more than a pathetic mistake who hasn’t let you go. But I want to let you go. I want to just be over and forget about you. I can’t do that until I know the truth. I need to know: what’s so wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t anyone ever care about what they do to me? Why can’t I hold onto anyone? Why am I never good enough for anyone? Why did you lie to me? Why did you use me? Were you honest about anything at all?

I don’t know how you can go on knowing that someone is hurting so bad and you alone have the power to make it stop. If this situation were reversed I would do everything in my power to ease your pain. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I need these answers more than you will ever know. I don’t care how much it hurts. I need the truth. I’ll never be healed and move on if I don’t know what I need to fix. Do you want me to continue suffering like this? I know you don’t care about me but if you ever did or at least care about anyone we know, you will do this. You don’t even have to see me in person. All you have to do is type up the truth. I’m pleading with you. I want this pain to go away. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t live life wanting it to end every minute of the day. I can’t continue to lock myself in my room and try to starve myself to death because I have absolutely nothing to live for. I’m begging you, please, please just tell me the truth. Answer my questions honestly and you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll leave you to live your life however you want. I’ll never show up at your work or talk to your friends again. I will be completely out of your life, the way you want. Just please, please tell me the truth. Answer the questions and it will all be over.

he hasn't read it. hasn't logged on in a few days. i really hope this time he answers truthfully.

i just want to be done with this.

i want to start the new year without all this pain.

i haven't eaten anything since wednesday night. sometimes i want to...most of the time i just want to die.

merry christmas. heh.
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