jizzle (gness) wrote,

2 zero 1 zero

lets hope for something better

haven't talked to him since that message. blocked him. her. her. all of them on every site. the hurt is there and i'm not sure that it'll ever go away. but i know it'll never change. he'd never change. i can't keep hurting in the same way. i didn't want to start a new year with that.

thoughts of other guys who have shown interest are flattering but have to be overlooked. at this point i need to avoid any situation like that for a long time. i have the self esteem and worth of a thumbtack. however it would be nice to have anyone else last on my lips. too bad i can't even get close to people. if i wasn't so fucked up i might be able to work something out. but as always, for how long? it's so pointless to try. i'm so over feeling used. this whole section of my life, done or not, is simply ridiculous.

went to therapy on wednesday. didn't go the way i was hoping. totally started off on the wrong foot. it was only my intake appointment. i guess to see what the plan is for me. they want to send my ass off to group therapy but i'm pretty opposed. anyway. i got there a few minutes before 1. i checked in and the girl behind the counter told me she'd tell whomever i was there. 15 mins....20....35...40 minutes later some lady is in the waiting room and i hear "we'll i had an appointment with her at 1.." and i just peeked my head around and looked at them and then they realized. she totally tried to blame me for being so behind after that. we had to go and pee in a cup again. i went before i left the house so i had not much to offer but what i did have was not good enough. yes indeed, i have cold pee. wtf?

so my urine is not good enough. she asked if i could try again later. i said okayyyy? on our way to her office it was all "well, we're starting abut 45 minutes too late" "did you get here late?" stfu lady. i told her that i got here a few mins early. i dunno if she believed me but whatever.

she does some stuff on the comp for a few mins before actually talking to me. then she asks me things from the screen and briefly sums up my responses and types them in. halfway through this she turns to me and asks me if i've ever been to an al anon meeting. i told her no but a friend recommended it and i was gonna check it out. more questions. she tells me a little of her story. i can relate so i take back some of my dislike for her. more questions. then pushing the meetings pushing the meetings. group therapy. group therapy. nothing else is gonna help me cause nothing is wrong with me. it's because of my parents. i'm grieving from the neglect and abandonment. al anon meetings are the only way i'm going to feel better. oh you didn't want to see the doctor did you? i told her i've always been against taking drugs but it's gotten to the point where i don't know what else to do anymore. MEETINGS! cause talking to people about my problems is gonna help. THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING FOR HOW LONG?! "so don't talk, just listen" yeahhh did that too.

so it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. she could tell i was upset by it. i'm tired of people telling me that there's nothing wrong with me. there's something wrong with me if i feel the way that i do all the time. normal people don't want to die all the time. normal people don't hate themselves this much. and then blame your parents. oh i do. i blame them for a lot. but i can't blame them for everything. for always. that's not gonna get me anywhere. i'll go to some meetings but that's not gonna be my only therapy. if i wanted to talk to a group of people i wouldn't have tried getting myself help in the first place. this whole situation is annoying. i had a feeling this would happen. if i'm not at my worst then all is well. i guess i am that good at pretending?

so that's put me in kind of a bad mood. i went and picked up my mail and went home to crawl back into bed with some cracktica. finished 4.0 that day. needz more.

went back to work yesterday. worked til close. cause i'm nice....had nothing better to do..and need the money bad. part of me regrets taking the time off. but i know i needed it and i won't get any more for a long time.
i wish therapy would fix me quick. i need to find another better paying job. to do that i'd need to be able to better control my emotions. be a likable person. be friendly. smile. be able to take chances. this is gonna take forever :-/

i don't really know what else to write about. it's fucking freezing in here. 54 degrees is the highest it's gotten to. my scalp is dry and itchy as fuck. i need to shower but i'd rather die cause it's so fucking cold. john doesn't seem to care. i've had my rent check ready for days. the temperature is making me want to hang onto it longer. grr. a rat gnawed the shit out of flynn and he had to get his tail amputated. boys are pretty upset about that.

hung out with billy and thomas tonight. billy came over after work. john was working with wires so we just made muffins and bagels. he's headed back to florida. family's moving to philly so there's no telling when i'll see him again. sucks. wish i got to spend more time with him. life is lame sometimes. thomas came over later to watch stardust. he got it for me for christmas. he said it's one of his favorite movies and he hopes it makes me feel better. he's a sweetheart. we're all supposed to see avatar tomorrow i think. i kind of don't want to but i want to hang out with him while he's here. i think he's leaving sunday. everyone's leaving so i'm getting sad. but i believe sarah is coming so i should be getting very excited. i need to check on that. i've been so depressed that i've kind of forgotten about it.

new years was chill but good. glad i didn't let him ruin 4 holidays in a row. 3 was enough. good friends. good times. can't ask for more except maybe to see this picture chris took of me. hmm..
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