jizzle (gness) wrote,

  • Music:

you make me completely miserable

i hatehatehatehate winter.

it's been so fucking cold. in the 40s all week....INSIDE THE HOUSE! redic. supposedly the heating/cooling guy is coming today to fix or replace the broken unit. not sure. it better get done though. i'm so tired of this. can't even watch a movie cause i can only have a certain number of things turned on at the same time.

today i planned on catching up on some sleep, doing all my laundry, cleaning my bedroom and the bathroom and some grooming would be good too. i feel quite disgusting these days. i wish there was a permanent fix for everything i hate about myself. if i was comfortable or even happy with my body the only thing i'd have to worry about is my non winning personality!

speaking of which, first therapy session tomorrow. different lady. hopefully it'll go well. been meaning to check out an alanon meeting. was gonna go thursday but couldn't get the list cause there was no power. want to try tonight but it's dennis' birthday so i don't think laura will go to one. i'm hoping she can take me on thursday or something. i need to finish that book too.

got called to come into work twice today. it was lame. brandy needs me to fill out some tax shit cause she can't find mine from last year. i don't remember if i put 1 or 0 so that's pretty bad i think. hope it's not though. jon also wanted me to work for him and he'd work for me tomorrow or wednesday. i would normally but i've got sooo much shit to do.

i really hate when i put everything off until my only day off. i've had no choice though. i slept at mike's a couple times this week cause it was too cold here. thomas sent me a space heater the other day and i apparently tripped the breaker with it. i know nothing about that sort of thing. shit better get fixeddddd. i had to unplug my mini fridge. that's pretty lame.

a friend is coming to town tomorrow and she might stay with me so it'd be nice if it was clean and warm! i'm excited. i haven't been excited about anything in a long time.

i wish i didn't have to wait so long for therapy. everyone thinks i'm better now. i'm not. i'm ok. but that's all i'll ever be. not good. not great. why can't i? i stop the salt from going in the wounds and just bury everything. but it'll come back. it always does. and it's always worse.

i feel like i'll never amount to anything. i'm so tired of people telling me no one will love me if i don't love myself. no one will believe in me if i don't believe in myself. etc. excuse me, have you fucking looked at me? it's so frustrating.

what do you like about yourself? ummmmmm. there's really nothing. i like my left thumb and my fingernails on my ring fingers. that's it. that's all i like about myself. i hate most everything from head to toe. ew feet.

how can someone break through this when they hate everything about themselves? oh wait, i can go to meetings and blame my parents. WHAT IS THAT GOING TO CHANGE? nothing.

well i guess it's good i have a little harbored anger for tomorrow. maybe they'll realize something is wrong with me. cause this shit just aint right.

also, fuck you. don't tell me i'm over something. you don't know. don't act like you do.

been productive at work lately. bustin out cds. a million more to do but i'm focused. guess it's good to have any sort of goal.

god, i feel so shitty. he was right about some things though. it's never gonna get easier. there's always something. that and, we're going to die alone. only i try to make everyone else happy. he destroyed everything he touched. or maybe it was just me.

i'm tired of being so weak.
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